Those of us who have refined tastes feel free to comment everyone who has refined taste ..please take one step forward .....Not so fast poopy

.............................................................In the 1950s they discovered that if test drinkers (poor devils) were given equal amounts of bourbon and vodka, a third of the bourbon drinkers would report hangovers, while only 3% of the vodka drinkers would. Ah-ha! they thought: it’s those evil congeners. Congeners (which may include methyl alcohol, aldehydes, histamine, tannins, iron, lead and cobalt) are what gives a liquor its color, taste, character and aroma; in other words, it’s the stuff that make a liquor not taste like grain alcohol. Needless to say, they are more abundant in the darker alcohols. But Lord knows you can get a hangover from white wine and moonshine, so there had to be more. In the 1970s they discovered that when that organic factory called the liver processed alcohol it also spewed a toxic waste into the bloodstream. A-ha! they thought. It was this acidic toxin, acetaldehyde, that was wreaking all the havoc. Headaches, body pain, that overall feeling of malaise was laid at the feet of this powerful new super-villain. Then, in the 1980s, a series of studies revealed that, in addition to all the other a-has!, our behavior while drinking also contributed to our sorry state in the morning. These additional modifiers included smoking, loud music, shouting, staying up late, lunging about and various feats of physical strength, like tree-climbing and keg-standing. In other words, everything that makes a party a party. Geat Moments in the History of the Hangover Biblical Times—After beaching the Ark, Noah gets loaded and wakes up with a hangover so cruel he condemns all of his son Canaan's decedents to slavery. 500 BC—Ancient Greeks engrave their drinking cups with dedications to the spirit Pausikrepalos, whose main gig was curing hangovers. 1845—Italian Bernardino Branca unleashes Fernet Branca, a mysterious 80-proof miracle liqueur/tonic, forever freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip. 1901—Soft drink/tonic Irn-bru is released in Scotland, once again freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip. 1926—Fernand Petiot invents the Bloody Mary at Harry's New York Bar in Paris, once again and for realsies this time freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip. 1935—Babe Ruth hits his 714th home run while hungover, not unlike the previous 713. 1936—Leading interior designer Edward Spangerberger reveals that spending your hangover in "a softly colored room—preferably tinted in ivory, cream or baby blue" will reduce its effects greatly but, whatever you do, "don't go near a room with wild doodads on the wallpaper." 1953—Poet Dylan Thomas, incapacitated by a 3-day hangover inflicted by his famous 18-whisky feat, is assassinated by a quack doctor. 1998—While oppressed (or perhaps empowered) by a self-described "raging, skull-rattling hangover," David Wells pitches a perfect game. 2000—RU-21, a miracle hangover cure reputedly developed by the KGB, is released to the masses, once again and forever freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip, etc. 2009—The poignant film The Hangover is released, bringing attention to the devastating disease that afflicts millions the world over. The Flawed Logic of Prevention There are very nearly as many hangover preventives as there are remedies, and probably every hangover article ever written includes a snotty bit of advice so infuriatingly patronizing that it never fails to make my hands tremble with throat-squeezing rage: “The best way to prevent a hangover is abstinence.” Which also happens to be the best prevention for pregnancy, in case you didn’t know. And the best way to prevent falling down? Don’t get up! If you need to go somewhere, just crawl around on your belly like a goddamn snake. To carry the pregnancy analogy a bit further, preventives pretend to be the condoms of the drinking experience. Except most of these condoms are constructed of burlap and leak like a sieve. The problem with abstinence and nearly every other preventative measure is they tend to get in the way of having a good time and/or getting drunk. Which are, unless I’m gravely mistaken, the main points of drinking enough to register a hangover in the first place. Sure, drinking a glass of water between every round will leave you feeling less dehydrated come morning, but who the hell wants to shoot water in a bar? And how the devil are we supposed to be the life of the party when we’re sober enough to remember to guzzle water between cocktails? You can gorge on a high-protein, high-fat feast so as to slow alcohol absorption and not get so drunk, but what the hell kind of deal is that? We’re not drinking all that booze to stay sober, are we? Are we angling to pump-up our punting statistics or are we trying to score a goddamn touchdown? Avoiding the darker alcohols like bourbon, red wine and dark rum might lessen the pain and you might also dance better if you wear a tutu instead of trousers. You ask me, drinking with a rigid set of rules in mind is not drinking at all. It’s like mom telling you you can go trick-or-treating, so long as you wear bright-orange body armor and eat a sprig of broccoli between each piece of candy. It steals away the magic. Getting drunk is a very nearly sacred experience, a wide-open, full-throttle thing, a grand celebration of life, a wild charge through the night. Booze is high-octane fuel and mixing a lot of water with that fuel, as any race car driver can tell you, is a good way to lose the race. All that said, taking vitamins and certain herbs prior to drinking, especially B-6 and milk thistle, won’t get in the way of all the fun and, from personal experience, seems to work. Maybe. Drunkard, Heal Thyself The main difference between most preventives and the so-called “cures” is you don’t have to worry about cures getting in the way of the fun, because the fun is definitely over. Right off the bat, however, I’m going to say this: a true hangover cure does not exist. How do I know this? Because if it did the person who invented it would be richer, better known and infinitely more beloved than Bill Gates. There’d be a statue of him in your town square and his name would be spoke in the same breath as Albert Schweitzer and Jonas Salk. We don’t have a true cure from a lack of trying. From the moment the first caveman groaned awake after sucking on as much rotten fruit as he could get his filthy paws on, mankind has struggled to tone down if not terminate that inevitable pain that follows all that pleasure. Ask a veteran drinker or bartender for a hangover cure and he’s liable to give you one. Usually they will preface it with, “I don’t know why or how it works, but, by golly, it works!” Some appear to have a medical basis, however vague. Some appear more interested in relieving guilt through punishment and some seem to rely entirely on magic. Ancient Greeks engraved their drinking cups with groveling entreaties to the spirit Pausikrepalos, whose main job was delegating and regulating hangovers. Their Roman counterparts preferred to wolf down fried canaries and owl eggs. The Mongolians relied on sheep eyes, the Assyrians swore by ground-up sparrow beaks. Colonial Puritans flogged themselves and bled the hangover out, while Old West cowboys brewed up a pot of Jackrabbit dung tea. Voodoo-inclined Haitians would (and probably still do) jab 13 pins into the cork of the bottle that brought the pain. And then there’s the hair of the dog. The theory that a hangover is largely withdrawal symptoms is a popular one, especially among those you find slumped on bar stools on Sunday morning. .................continued

......The Barrio.

The forbidden Latino ghetto, be it in Los Angeles, Chicago, Brooklyn, Miami, or Dayton, can be an intimidating neighborhood to you gringos. People in the barrio speak Español. There are the foreign national flags hanging from balconies, the strange foods, the weird smells, that constant music, and the stares. Just what are you doing in this neighborhood, ese?

But fear not. Every barrio shares a heritage that will make you, borracho moderno, as welcome as a mariachi band: Latinos love their hooch. Drinking to excess is a source of ethnic pride.

Should you find yourself in the barrio—whether MapQuest steered you wrong, you got trunked in a stolen car, or most likely, got lost during a bender—here are some hints that will help you use your binge drinking as an entrada into the circle of your new comprades.

What to Drink
Buy the first round. Forget mojitos and, heaven forbid, margaritas. Keep it simple.
Beer.

Keep it really simple.

Budweiser.

Sure, you’ll see billboards proclaiming the barrio’s love for Corona, Tecate, and Dos Equis, but a twelver of Bud will mark you as a peer of your Latino drinking companions. Namely that, like them, you don’t have money to buy anything better.

Okay, you say, I can drink Bud anywhere. If I’m in the barrio risking a knife wound, I want the good stuff. Bold thinking, pilgrim. After the second round of beers, ask for what the hombres are drinking. If your hosts smoke cigars and speak Spanish really, really fast, then they’re island Hispanics—Puerto Ricans, Cubans, or Dominicans — and their drink is rum. If they drive beater pickups or low-riders, then you’re among Mexicans or Chicanos, which naturally means tequila.

When the bottle makes its appearance, even if it’s two bucks a gallon Colombian aguardiente fermented sugar-cane sludge, treat it with the same awe you felt the first time you saw a woman take off her brassiere.

But unlike those breasts, don’t immediately attack the bottle with your mouth. Ask for shot glasses and offer to make a toast. This will mark you as a vato with class despite the fact that all of you are peeing in the garden because going to the bathroom takes too much time.

Toasting, Chicano Style
Here are some sure-fire toasts that will keep the liquor flowing and allow you to make it out of the barrio without a visit to the trauma center:

Viva Mexico (or Puerto Rico, Cuba, etc.)
Women
The local sports team during a winning season
Women with big chi-chi’s

Learn the Lingo
After a half-dozen rounds, try learning a few phrases in the local tongue from your new drinking mates. Don’t worry too much about your pronunciation—by this time everyone’s speech will be so slurred you could be talking in Martian and no one would notice.

Use this guide of handy words to add the needed salsa to your Spanglish:

abrazo (a-bra-zo) a manly Hemingway-esque hug.

bien pedo (bee-in peh-doe) good and farted.

cagado (ca-ga-doe) shit-in-your-pants drunk.

cuñado (coo-ne-a-doe) brother-in-law. Just like in Anglo culture, he’s either a drinking pal or an asshole.

reggaton (reg-ga-tone) popular Latino music as obnoxious as hip-hop, hence the heavy drinking.

vieja (vee-eh-ha) old lady. Man’s original reason for getting sloshed ever since Eve got us kicked out of the Garden of Eden and we all had to get jobs.

Because as night must follow day, you must also learn this word, the bane of all drinkers:

crudo (crew-doe) raw, a.k.a. hungover.

Where to Drink
Now that you’ve got the lingo and drinking customs down pat, it’s time to visit the cantina. Look for the corner watering hole. Think dive. You’re among undocumented workers, so think Third-World dive. Now crank down your expectations a notch.

Still not sure you’ve found an authentic barrio cantina? Look for these clues: cock fight notices taped to the bar mirror; reggaton blaring from the jukebox; clientele wearing either alligator cowboy boots or ankle monitoring devices. These all mean your hard-earned pesos are welcome there, my thirsty friend. Belly up to the bar and repeat after me: “Una cerveza, por favor.”

Another good place to experience the local drinking culture is the liquor store. Unfortunately, our silly nanny-state drinking laws extend even to the barrio, so you won’t be able to sip a nip inside the store.

No problem. Go around back to the alley and you’ll find plenty of amigos eager to lighten your load and share the camaraderie that only 80 proof among the Dumpsters can bring.

El Ritual Secreto
Still not native enough for you? You’ve heard so much about Hispanic familia and your barrio adventure wouldn’t be complete without at least one drunken abrazo.

Walk around until you find a group of Hispanic men working on a car or truck. Start the conversation by asking for directions. Before they answer, make a comment about the vehicle they’re working on. It doesn’t matter if you can’t tell the difference between a clutch and a bumper. Your interest is a subtle clue that you understand that getting quietly shit-faced is a bond among men that transcends all cultural barriers.

I’ll let you in on a barrio secret. This ritual with the socket wrenches and the toolbox is not about fixing anything. It’s about sneaking away from the viejas, sitting on cinder blocks, and getting cagado in peace. So what if by the time everyone sobers up the damn car still doesn’t run. It belonged to the cuñado.

The Machismo Factor
In the barrio, getting hammered, getting bien pedo, is an act of machismo. In fact, doing anything while loaded is an act of machismo. Here’s a typical story:

Cousin Rudy drank three six-packs of Miller and a quart of tequila, car jacked a Mustang, then had the police chase him for an hour until he crashed into an overpass, burst into flames, and burned to death. He died like a man.

If all goes well during your alcohol-fueled foray into Latino drinking culture, you should greet the morning face-down in a pile of greasy tamale husks, crudo, and not bleeding very much. Now get to your feet and stagger out of the barrio, maybe to where the Ukranians live, and start another ethnic adventure.
Salud.
—Mario Acevedo

A bit too long, but good entertainment reading.......got myself a chuckle or two.....

Brilliant!!

Modern man, perched as he is upon the centuries of stacked wisdom, takes a much more scientific approach than our superstitious forefathers. All sorts of vitamins, teas and herbs are recommended, as is Pedialyte, Paracetamol, brewers yeast, hot peppers, coffee, ice cream, coconut water, prickly pear cactus extract, showers hot and cold, bananas, tomatoes, pickle juice, greasy foods, raw eggs, drugs (legal or otherwise), saunas, vigorous exercise (including sex) and so on, take your pick.

Add to these amateur entries a whole slew of medical wonders. Though they seem a recent phenomenon, these “scientifically-proven” (and possibly even “clinically-proven”) remedies have been around since at least the 1850s. Long before RU-21, Sob’r-K, Chaser, The Cure, HydRelief, Zaca, Day2Pill, NoHang, Drinkin’ Mate and so forth, there was Stade, ReJuv, ENO, Bromo-Seltzer, Dr. Jung’s Proven Miracle Healer, plus a dazzling array of body tonics and snake oils.

Do any of them actually work? Who the hell knows? What I do know is, if you think they work, then they do work. That’s right. It’s all in your head, you see, along with all those hammers and gongs.

The Two-Headed Beast
Like an impatient King Solomon, the great alcohol writer and novelist Kingsley Amis cleaved the hangover in two in his excellent 1972 boozing guide On Drink. He reckoned that the most part of a hangover was not the physical side of it but the metaphysical, meaning the guilt and regret about drinking and the scandalous behavior and heavy spending that sometimes go along with it.

Newspaperman Hal Boyle called it “the rebellion of the soul,” a temporary form of self-hatred. “The mind harries the body,” Hal noted, “as much as the body harries the mind.”

They’re both right and here’s proof: ever notice how a hangover achieved for free or on the cheap never hurts quite as much one that emptied your bank account? Or that during a week-long spree in Vegas or NOLA you’ll recuperate much more quickly and with much more enthusiasm than you would if you were at home? You bound off to the bar full of pep, when normally you’d be shuffling around the house (or office) like a zombie.

Hangovers are extremely conditional and subjective. A sudden terror or extremely good news will snap you right out of one. They’re like those movie monsters who can hurt you only if you believe they can hurt you. If you feel guilty about what you did last night, the hangover gathers strength, it tightens the vice. If you think you deserve a hangover, then by God, you’re going to get your wish.

A 3-Point Plan to Exorcise Guilt
1.) You didn’t throw all that money in a bonfire, you know. It went to support a vital industry. It helped bartenders, cocktail waitresses, and distillery, brewery, and winery workers pay their rent and feed their kids. They’re probably very nice people, maybe even nicer than you. What a swell fellow you are for helping them out.

2.) So you had a good time. So you got a little wild. As Vladimir Nabokov pointed out, “life is but a brief crack of light between two eternities of darkness” and with that in mind you should not feel badly about getting in as many kicks as humanly possible during your stay on this rock.

3.) If you’re worried about God’s opinion, I wouldn’t. The Bible speaks well of booze, most of the time anyway. God’s main man Noah was a tremendous drunkard and I’ll bet he got a seat in Heaven. Probably a pretty good one, too.

No, Actually There Is a Cure!
So, do I have my own sure-fire hangover remedy? Of course I do. I couldn’t call myself a proper drunk if I didn’t. The combination attack I’m about to reveal has, in the past, put to flight the most powerful hangovers I could conjure up. It’s a lot of trouble, so I rarely use it, but if you need to lose a hangover fast and don’t mind some hassle, here’s what you’ll need:

Frank’s Scientifically Magical Never-Fail Hangover Cure
An IV of saline solution
A bottle of 80% pure oxygen
Three, possibly four Bloody Bulls (a Bloody Mary with beef bullion)

Apply all three simultaneously and you’ll feel as well as can be expected, given the circumstances.

Drunkard, Heal Thyself
The main difference between most preventives and the so-called “cures” is you don’t have to worry about cures getting in the way of the fun, because the fun is definitely over.

Right off the bat, however, I’m going to say this: a true hangover cure does not exist. How do I know this? Because if it did the person who invented it would be richer, better known and infinitely more beloved than Bill Gates. There’d be a statue of him in your town square and his name would be spoke in the same breath as Albert Schweitzer and Jonas Salk.

We don’t have a true cure from a lack of trying. From the moment the first caveman groaned awake after sucking on as much rotten fruit as he could get his filthy paws on, mankind has struggled to tone down if not terminate that inevitable pain that follows all that pleasure.

Ask a veteran drinker or bartender for a hangover cure and he’s liable to give you one. Usually they will preface it with, “I don’t know why or how it works, but, by golly, it works!” Some appear to have a medical basis, however vague. Some appear more interested in relieving guilt through punishment and some seem to rely entirely on magic.

Ancient Greeks engraved their drinking cups with groveling entreaties to the spirit Pausikrepalos, whose main job was delegating and regulating hangovers. Their Roman counterparts preferred to wolf down fried canaries and owl eggs. The Mongolians relied on sheep eyes, the Assyrians swore by ground-up sparrow beaks. Colonial Puritans flogged themselves and bled the hangover out, while Old West cowboys brewed up a pot of Jackrabbit dung tea. Voodoo-inclined Haitians would (and probably still do) jab 13 pins into the cork of the bottle that brought the pain.

And then there’s the hair of the dog. The theory that a hangover is largely withdrawal symptoms is a popular one, especially among those you find slumped on bar stools on Sunday morning. The Bloody Mary is the standby, of course, but over the centuries many alcohol-laced concoctions have been put forth. They’re called eye-openers, pick-me-ups, spine-stiffeners, restoratives and bracers and tend to fall into three categories: high-proof fruit juices; spicy, weird-ingredient punishers and sweet and creamy appeasers. Some confer hope (Fog Lifter, Corpse Reviver, Rejuvenator), others describe the state you’re in (Sufferin’ Bastard, Zombie, Morning After). They certainly ease the pain, but then, alcohol always does.

Geat Moments in the History of the Hangover

Biblical Times—After beaching the Ark, Noah gets loaded and wakes up with a hangover so cruel he condemns all of his son Canaan's decedents to slavery.

500 BC—Ancient Greeks engrave their drinking cups with dedications to the spirit Pausikrepalos, whose main gig was curing hangovers.

1845—Italian Bernardino Branca unleashes Fernet Branca, a mysterious 80-proof miracle liqueur/tonic, forever freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip.

1901—Soft drink/tonic Irn-bru is released in Scotland, once again freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip.

1926—Fernand Petiot invents the Bloody Mary at Harry's New York Bar in Paris, once again and for realsies this time freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip.
1935—Babe Ruth hits his 714th home run while hungover, not unlike the previous 713.

1936—Leading interior designer Edward Spangerberger reveals that spending your hangover in "a softly colored room—preferably tinted in ivory, cream or baby blue" will reduce its effects greatly but, whatever you do, "don't go near a room with wild doodads on the wallpaper."

1953—Poet Dylan Thomas, incapacitated by a 3-day hangover inflicted by his famous 18-whisky feat, is assassinated by a quack doctor.

1998—While oppressed (or perhaps empowered) by a self-described "raging, skull-rattling hangover," David Wells pitches a perfect game.

2000—RU-21, a miracle hangover cure reputedly developed by the KGB, is released to the masses, once again and forever freeing the world from the hangover's cruel grip, etc.

2009—The poignant film The Hangover is released, bringing attention to the devastating disease that afflicts millions the world over.

.............1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.

2. Always toast before doing a shot.

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

4. Change your toast at least once a month.

5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.

6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.

7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.

8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.

9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: Great, now I’m going to get drunk. I hate shots. It’s coming back up.

12. Never, ever tell a bartender he made your drink too strong.

13. If he makes it too weak, order a double next time. He'll get the message.

14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.

15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.

16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.

19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.

20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.

21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing—urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.

24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.

25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.

26. If there is a d.j., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.

27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink.

31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.

32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.

33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.

34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender’s guide and browse through all the drinks you’ve never tried.

37. Try one new drink each week.

38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.

39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tellthe barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.

40. If you have ever told a bartender, “Hey, it all spends the same,” then you are a cheap ass.

41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.

42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.

43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, then blame it on someone else.

44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.

45. It's okay to drink alone.

46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her “baby” or “darling”.

47. Nothing screams 'nancy boy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.

48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is “sporting you”, you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is “making sport of you”, you may steal any drink he leaves unattended
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of her response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, “I'm an idiot.”
67. Never ask a bartender “what's good tonight?” They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your goddamn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they’re sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with “I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . .”
78. When you’re in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he’s buying.
79. If you are 86’d, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you’re going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It’s the no-tell liquor.
82. There’s nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you’re supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there’s something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a ki
86. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.

--Frank Kelly Rich