Tiger Woods to Star in Adult Movies
January 2nd, 2010
by Ruiz Emmerich
Tiger Woods is ready for the 18th hole
LOS ANGELES - USA - Disgraced golfer, Tiger Woods is set to hang up his golfing iron and pick up his wood in a career move that has stunned his fans and the American media.
After being dropped by all of his main sponsors and losing $350 million to his ex-wife, the ex-golfer has decided to take up a different kind of stroke to earn him money for the lost sponsorship revenue.

"He's put down his wedge and picked up his wood. Tiger wants to show the world what a pro he really is. He's already had plenty of practice with all the golfing groupies, now he's going to go pro in the world of porno," Alvin Goldbaum, CEO of the adult film company, Whoregasm Pictures told the LA Times.
Mr Goldbaum has even drafted in one of the industries foremost veterans to help out in coaching Tiger into fitness, cue Ron Jeremy.
"One thing I got to say, they brought Tiger in so that I could coach him. Well I told him to drop his pants so we could see what we have to work with. The boy's gotta smaller penis than a baby. I told my boss that I can't coach a needle dick but he insisted, so here I am. I just told Tiger to wait for the fluffer on the screen test and see what she said. Well, let's just say there was laughter all around," Mr Jeremy told the LA Weekly magazine.
Tiger Woods is set to earn approximately $800 per movie and this is of course not including the DVD percentage rates and sponsors from lubrication companies.

Tiger's first film, DPA Cum Stars, will be in the theme of a golf porno tournament with an All-star cast including Candy 9Iron, Gina Birdie, Mulligan Bogey and Janice Shrimp. His debut film is set to be released in July.

Watch out for the losing streak..
LOVELOCK - USA - Fallen golf star, Tiger Woods, today visited another fallen sports star, O.J. Simpson in prison.


No one knows what was said between the two disgraced American stars but one thing is for sure, there must have been some brotherly advise handed down to the newly fallen Woods.

Simpson is currently serving a nine year sentence in a Nevada prison for theft.

"Tiger is new to disgrace, so we think O.J. must have just told him to shrug his shoulders and take the beating like a man. O.J. is certainly no stranger to pissing everything away and is a veteran failure. Who better to give Tiger advice on his newly found status?" Joe Syracuse, a sports commentator for the CBS news network said on Monday.

How many more women are going to come out of the woodwork to stake their claim on Woods' woody?

"It's like this. Tiger thought he was a player. Bitch got caught with his pants down. First rule of the game, if you're going to fuck around, do it with professionals, not with $8 waitresses. I mean if you're at that level you have to really watch your game, not only on the course but in the bunker too. Plus, here's the clincher, Tiger was playing the white game. No colour in his game? He forgot his roots right there. He needed to come home from the course and see some collard greens, rice and beans with some corn bread and some prime booty. Now that's some good eatin' right there hmm hmm. The boy wouldn't stray far then huh? With those bony ass cold fish he was bound to get caught. O.J. knows about all of that and I'm sure he was telling it straight too," one of Tiger's golfing partners told the Daily News

Tiger where are you ?

Tiger Woods Finally Cured of Sex Addiction
March 10th, 2010
By Bubba Gump

Tiger pictured leaving the sex addiction clinic yesterday
FLORIDA - USA - The serial philanderer and boinking golfing ace, Tiger Woods has been finally cured of his so-called sex addictions, one of his spokesmen claimed last night.


The doctor in charge of the treatment for Woods said that he had been cured after many weeks of trying different therapies: "We tried the kick in the groin treatment where Tiger would be kicked repeatedly in the balls by a woman wearing some serious stilletos. This treatment actually had a detrimental effect, instead of deterring Tiger it actually turned him on. We then tried the nude photographs of British ex-prime minister, Margaret Thatcher, Maggie had some effect on him but it was minimal. We even brought up a vomit inducing picture of Barbara Bush naked causing some of the attendants to curl up on the floor in foetal positions yelling for clemency, but still, no show. What kind of a person would still find Barbara Bush remotely sexy?"

The doctor's team finally hit upon an idea that is used in some prisons to treat sex offenders.

"We gave him a chemical castration. At first we thought we could do the two bricks smashed together trick but that might get too goddamn messy. Tiger's cured now folks, we show him pictures of Playboy bunnies, parade some lovely ladies in front of him -- not even a twitch I tell you. He's even growing tits now and has a high pitched voice. We're sending him home to Elin looking and sounding like a Thai ladyboy with a golf swing that can smash any tournament for six."

Mr Woods was said to be very happy about the procedure and celebrated by buying a pair of new fishnet stockings to wear at the next PGA Golf tour.

Tiger Woods To Play In The Masters Golf Tournament - His Wife Elin Will Be His Caddy

Written by Abel Rodriguez
: Tiger Woods, Golf, Elin Nordigren
Tuesday, 16 March 2010

ORLANDO - Tiger Woods has just announced that after voluntarily checking himself into rehab on three different occasions, at a total cost of $475,000, he is ready to pick up his putter and his balls and start playing around...ah make that and start playing some rounds.

Woods said that he is thrilled that the American people fell for, or rather accepted his apology. He said that he realizes now that the citizens of America now know the truth; that he was seduced by a dozen, beautiful, money-hungry, attention-seeking somewhat skankish white women.

Tiger said that isn't it odd that not one of the women who were after his money were black women. He asked why. And he answered himself, "Because black women has da utmost respect fo me and dey know dat I has da utmost respect fo black women, except when it comes ta jumping into bed and having mad, passionate, crazy sex, and then dey have da decency ta accept da fact dat in dat regard I sho nuff does prefer ta go ta town, so ta speak with da 'white meat.'

Woods was asked if his wife Elin has forgiven him for all of the playpen poundin' he did. He smiled and replied that on a scale of 1 to 10 it would be a somewhat yes with some still unanswered questions that he will soon get around to answering whenever he finds the time to make up some answers that are half-ass believable.

He smiled and said that it is no secret that Elin has made some mighty powerful high-priced demands of him in order for her not to run off with the kids to her home country of Sweden.

When asked to name some of her demands he said "Well, she wanted a brand new $7.3 million yacht and I got it for her. She wanted a $250,000, 2010 Lamborghini Murcielago and I got it for her. She wanted me to open up an account under her name and to deposit $100 million into it and I did it for her.

When asked if she has gotten back her trust in him, he started laughing. He smiled and said, "Well it isn't a matter of my wife not trusting me. It is a matter of my wife not trusting the money-seeking women who want to seduce me in hopes of having a one-quarter black baby and being set for life."

Tiger went on to say that his wife has never not trusted him. He said she has always known that he was just a victim of seduction by highly trained, highly motivated, and highly big bosomed white females who look at Tiger, not as a tall, skinny, half black man, but as a long, wide blank check.

Elin said that when Tiger talked to her about him playing in the Masters in Augusta, Georgia in April, she agreed right away. She noted that her only stipulation was that she go along as his caddy. She stated that with her as his caddy, she would make doubly sure that no more white women try to get into his pants and excite the hell out of 'Little Tiger,' or as she refers to his wayward penis his little old 'Silly Putty.'

Mrs. Woods has certainly read Tiger the Riot Act. She has let him know how the cow ate the cabbage, and she has made it abundantly clear that if he ever allows even one hormone-crazed white woman to even touch his putting pole she will grab the nearest scissors and perform an unscheduled wienerectomy right there on the spot.

Tiger has told her that he has seen the light. He has learned from his Sunday come to meetin' class. And he has vowed that as far as he is concerned her Swedish crotch cookie is the only one he will be nibblin' on, kissin' on, and poundin' on.

Eldrick Tont Woods giggled like a little school girl, he smiled, and he grinned like the Chattanooga cat that swallowed the Charleston canary.

In other somewhat related news. American Idol judge Kara DioGuardi revealed to Ryan Seacrest, in the strictest confidence, that Simon Cowell does not wear any underwear.

Elin is now reported being blocked from the tournament by a court order, oddly enough. I'm suprised that the therapist comments have leaked but I'm not suprised the advice. The report I read paints a very real portrait of the Woods lives pre-scandal:

http://www.socoolaz.com/article/Sports/Sports/Tiger_Urged_to_Mastersbate_in_Preperation_for_Masters_Tournament/30279

I got a few tickets for this but Im more interested in the nightlife activities here then the actual tournament lol

with the tiger back.....they doubled in value at least television audience will be huge .......... – Tiger Woods’ return to golf is sure to be a (much-watched) zoo, and if you want to be there in person to witness it, it just might set you back $2,400. That’s how high resale ticket prices for the Masters have gone since Woods’ announcement, TMZ reports. Face value? $200. But in addition to it being a zoo, Woods’ comeback will also be his “latest shot at women.”

The Augusta National, with its 300 male-only members, is a “home of storied, institutionalized sexism,” a “headquarters for the good old boys of golf,” writes Daily News columnist Filip Bondy. Tiger’s decision to return to golf at that particular venue makes sense: “Augusta members will surely embrace their wayward superstar. Just walk into the clubhouse, don a green jacket, and all is forgotten.”

Tiger Woods Better Get Back To Golf As Elin Asks Nearly $1 Billion Settlement


"Facing The Grim Hacker!"


Elin Woods, after discovering even more gals in her husband's background while they have been married, is now asking almost a billion dollar settlement if Tiger wants joint custody of the two kids.

"If he wants silence on this whole mess, he better pay up!", Elin told a source. "He'd better get his Tiger ass back out on the PGA Tour and win some money instead of continually calling an old girlfriend."

The "silence" agreement would keep Elin from ever putting out a book or endorsing a movie account of Woods in any way or form.

Tabloids have already stressed how much Tiger has paid his former girlfriends to keep quiet.

"If he wants quiet, why has he been texting one of his other special gals?", asked Elin, according to the source. "He needs to enter as many of the PGA events as he can. 'ENTERING' seems the big thing in his life anyway, while he's not playing golf!"

Report: Tiger-Elin divorce final; she gets $750 million
Wed Jun 30,2010 12:30 PM ETBy Rick Chandler

The London Sun is reporting that the Tiger Woods-Elin Nordegren divorce is signed and final, with only the traditional exchange of lineup cards at Orlando County Court next week remaining to complete the proceedings. And though the settlement amount to now ex-wife Elin Nordegren has become the stuff of myth and legend over the past few weeks, The Sun reports that it is indeed 500 million pounds ... or, in third-world U.S. currency, $750 million. Yow! (Picture my hat popping off my head, straight up). That's as in three-quarters-of-a-billion dollars; the largest haul for a person of Nordic descent since the Vikings invaded Spain in the 8th century.

There are, however, conditions. For one, Tiger may not bring any bimbos females not his wife around their kids. And Elin has a big restriction as well.

Wife Elin Nordegren, 30, gets the biggest payout ever seen in a celebrity divorce.
But she can never publicly speak out over his flings with socialite Rachel Uchitel, reality star Jaimee Grubbs, porn queen Joslyn James and up to 17 others, who will work out costing him 25 million pounds each.
A pal said: "Tiger's main fear is her telling her story after he's rebuilt his reputation, sending him back to the gutter."
"The price of the huge sum is her silence: no interviews, tell-all books, or TV appearances about this for the rest of her life -- even if Tiger dies first -- or she'll lose the lot."
Elin ended up with double the sum she originally sought, after her lawyers proved Tiger, 34, was worth much more than the $1 billion she thought.
Her friend explained: "Elin's legal team have done a great job digging up all sorts of assets.
I was riding on the shuttle bus from the parking lot to the press tent at the U.S. Open at Pebble Beach two weeks ago, when several well-respected golf writers began discussing the impending divorce settlement. The $750 million figure was tossed around during the conversation, with the prevailing sentiment, "Oh, she'll never get that." While it should be noted that The Sun is, after all, a British tabloid, the $750 million figure has been reported by more than one source over the past few weeks. Anyway, if I were betting on it and the line was $700 million, at this point I wouldn't take the under.

***