A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and left off for the rest of your life. Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.

P. J. O'Rourke
A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.

P. J. O'Rourke
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

P. J. O'Rourke
- More quotations on: [Books]
Drugs have taught an entire generation of Americans the metric system.

P. J. O'Rourke
Fish is the only food that is considered spoiled once it smells like what it is.

P. J. O'Rourke
- More quotations on: [Food]
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

P. J. O'Rourke
- More quotations on: [Children]
Never fight an inanimate object.

P. J. O'Rourke
Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink.

P. J. O'Rourke
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.

P. J. O'Rourke
- More quotations on: [Government]
The U.S. Constitution is less than a quarter the length of the owner's manual for a 1998 Toyota Camry, and yet it has managed to keep 300 million of the world's most unruly, passionate and energetic people safe, prosperous and free.

P. J. O'Rourke
The weirder you are going to behave, the more normal you should look. It works in reverse, too. When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose, I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.

P. J. O'Rourke
Very little is known of the Canadian country since it is rarely visited by anyone but the Queen and illiterate sport fishermen.

P. J. O'Rourke
When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.

P. J. O'Rourke
With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn't think possible in today's world. They have created a land of make-believe that's worse than regular life.

P. J. O'Rourke
There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

P. J. O'Rourke, Parliament of Whores (1991)
The purpose of a funeral service is to comfort the living. It is important at a funeral to display excessive grief. This will show others how kind-hearted and loving you are and their improved opinion of you will be very comforting.

P. J. O'Rourke, Modern Manners, 1983